


Pretending

by Karisawa



Category: Durarara!!
Genre: Angst, M/M, gets a little fluffy at the end
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-08
Updated: 2016-04-08
Packaged: 2018-05-31 23:40:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,616
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6492415
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Karisawa/pseuds/Karisawa
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>How can you pretend to love someone unlovable?</p>
<p>Shizuo's POV</p>
            </blockquote>





	Pretending

Pretending.

I spend so much time pretending these days. As a kid, I never had much of an imagination. I didn’t “pretend” the way everyone else did. I had to pretend to be happy, pretend to not feel the pain of every insult thrown my way. I had to pretend not to care about what I destroyed.

I wasn’t good at that. I couldn’t detach myself from my reality – I’m a monster.

A monster that has to pretend to love someone completely unlovable. Maybe even more unlovable than I am.

I have to pretend, because he’s the only one that will pretend with me. He’s the only person I can’t hurt – the only person who’s not scared of me.

Pretending isn’t fun. It started out as a game – like everything is to him.

_"Shizu-chan, come and get me.”_

_“Shizu-chan, let’s try something…”_

_“I won’t tell.”_

A game that just won’t end.

Sure, it had its perks at the beginning. For one thing, it was a great stress reliever. I was able to take out any remaining frustrations on him in a non-violent way. In a “loving” way.

And he pretended with me. He’s such a good liar.

_“Shizu-chan, kiss me.”_

_“Shizu-chan, more.”_

_“Goodnight.”_

For a few, fleeting moments – I was loved. It wasn’t real, but it felt that way. Even though it was with him, and I know he’s a liar. He’s nothing but a liar.

Even though I knew every word out of his mouth was a lie,

_“I love you.”_

I kept pretending.

 

*~*~*~*

 

He hasn’t shown up around town or at my apartment for the past three weeks. I assume he’s on one of his trips to god knows where, and he’ll come back whenever he damn well pleases. I hear a knock on my door at about 1:30 am.

“Miss me?”

“Hardly.”

He smirks and lets himself in, dropping his coat on my couch.

“…Where were you?”

“That’s not important. I’m here now~”

“…You could at least let me know when you’re leaving…”

“Shizu-chan, if I told you, you’d be bound to tell someone else. I can’t afford to cover for your mistakes.”

He walks toward the bedroom. He’s expecting me to put my annoyance aside and focus on him. He expects me to pretend that I’m happy to see him, that I missed him, that I love him.

When he notices I’m not following him, he walks back over and starts rubbing my chest.

“Something wrong?”

He’s pretending to care. He’s pretending to feel concern for me, to have missed me, to love me.

I know what he’s really after.

“…I can’t do this anymore, Izaya.”

His eyes widen a bit before he sinks back into his sly grin and heavy-lidded gaze.

“Can’t do what?”

What is it I can’t do? I can pretend. I’ve been pretending for so long, I lost sight of what it’s like to not have to pretend.

“I don’t want to pretend anymore. You’re just… using me.”

His suggestive gaze slips into a glare, his smirk falling. He pulls his hands away from my chest and crosses his arms, waiting for elaboration.

“…I know you don’t care about me. If you did, you’d tell me when you were skipping town…”

“If that’s the issue here, I’ll make sure to text you next time.” His irritation slices through the comment, and hits a nerve with me.

“That’s not the fucking issue. The issue is that you come over here every week for sex with no strings attached. And you make me feel all special and appreciated and… loved, even, just because you think it’s funny! You think it’s funny to see me feel anything besides anger, and you’ve just been using me for laughs!”

He rolls his eyes and picks up his coat.

“I don’t have the time or patience for this, Shizu-chan. I thought we were on the same page here. We both benefit from this, there’s no reason for you to complain.”

“How do I benefit from this? You treat me like garbage, even when you’re pretending to love me!”

“That’s because I _can’t_  love you, Shizu-chan, nor do I want to. You’re not human. You’re not worth loving.”

“By those standards, neither are you!! You think you can call yourself human with the way you act?! You’re more of a monster than I am!”

The ruby tints in his eyes flash in the light, and he uncrosses his arms. Before he can say anything, I continue.

“If there’s anyone benefiting from pretending, it’s you!! I give you all the love you don’t get from _your humans_ , and I don’t want to love you! I don’t know what I want to do with you! Sometimes I wish you were dead, and sometimes I wish we lived together! I pretend to love you for your sake, not mine!”

“Are you sure it isn’t selfish, Shizu-chan? After all, I’m the only one that’s brave enough to get this close to you! You wouldn’t get to experience love either if it wasn’t for me! This benefits both of us – we can pretend to be happy and in love for just a little while, fulfill your ridiculous emotional needs, and I can work out my frustrations on you! What, do you expect me to slowly fall in love with you like we’re in a rom-com? Love doesn’t work that way, Shizu-chan!”

It’s rare for him to lose his cool this quickly.

I didn’t mean for this to escalate like this.

“How would you know?! No one’s ever loved you!!”

But I have no self-control.

…

…

…

No response.

He always has something to say back. He’s quick, he always knows exactly what to say to piss me off. He always wins arguments. Always.

But he’s just standing there, clutching his jacket.

“…Izaya?”

…

…

…

“…Have a good night, Shizuo.” He pushes by me, heading for the door.

“Hey, hold on -” I reach for his arm.

“What. You said you can’t do this anymore, I understand. I knew it would only be a matter of time… I’m sure I’ll see you around, feel free to try and kill me.”

“Izaya, wait.”

“You made it perfectly clear, Shizu-chan! You don’t want anything to do with me. I won’t use you anymore, for anything.”

“Let me talk, dammit!”

“You’ve done plenty of talking!”

“I didn’t mean to say all that! No one loves me either, okay? We have that in common.”

“ _Plenty_  of people love you, Shizu-chan. Kasuka, Tom, Vorona, Celty, Akane, my sisters… you just… attract people to you like…”

“…Like fleas on a dog?”

His shoulders tense.

“…I suppose.”

I sigh and pinch the bridge of my nose. How can I explain what I’m feeling?

“…All I know is, I’m sick and tired of pretending… I’m tired of acting like we’re in love just for a few hook-ups to make us feel less lonely… It always just makes me feel lonelier than I was before…”

He looks up at me, expecting more.

“…It’s not fair to either of us.”

“…No, it’s not.”

I take a deep breath and prepare to ask the question I’ve been dreading.

“What do you really think of me? Do you feel anything?”

He looks down, processing the question. I’m scared to know what he’s going to say. I almost hope he says he hates me, then I can just kill him. Would killing him even solve my problems?

“…I’ve started to worry that you’re not a monster. Getting to know you, even in this context… I’ve seen a different side of you… a more human side… obviously, this was a problem for me, because I love all humans and I don’t love you, and even if I loved you, I can’t love one human over all the others… It goes against everything I believe in. So I concluded that I can’t love you, no matter how you make me feel.”

“…I don’t make you feel anything. You’re the only one that can control how you feel.”

He doesn’t like that answer.

“Then how do you really feel about me?”

“…Honestly, I don’t know… you’re confusing. Sometimes I wanna beat the shit out of you, but sometimes I wanna… I dunno, kiss you. This hook-up thing worked for a while, but now I’m just… emotionally drained. That’s what I meant when I said I can’t do this anymore… I can’t go back and forth from two extremes…”

“…You weren’t breaking up with me?”

“…I didn’t think I could, since we’re not really ‘together’…”

“I just thought…” he chuckles. “You scared me, I thought you were completely done with me…”

“I don’t think you’d let me go.”

His smile returns.

“Oh, trust me, I won’t.”

I can’t help but smile back.

“…Maybe we can find some kind of middle ground? I’m not saying we go all out and be a couple, but… maybe we could spend some time not fighting or fucking, you know? We could actually get to know each other…”

He blinks.

“You want to get to know me?”

“Yeah. There’s gotta be some good in you somewhere, right?”

His smile almost looks genuine.

“I don’t know… there might not be any left.”

“Well, I guess we’ll just have to find out then, right?”

 

*~*~*~* 

 

I feel so much more relaxed when I don’t have to pretend. Just being honest with him, even about how he pisses me off, has made things so much easier. He’s smiled and laughed with me genuinely, but he’s still pretending a little. I know it will be harder for him to stop lying.

It’s strange, though. I stopped pretending to love him, but I don’t feel any different.

Maybe I wasn’t pretending after all.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm trying to get back into writing now that the semester is almost over! I have a few fics planned, so keep an eye out!


End file.
